Body Switch
by Mitsaso-X
Summary: Logan and Scott switch bodies...what ensues can only be discribed as total insanity! What will they do to use this major change to their advantages? --COMPLETED--
1. The Night That Started Everything

Title: Body Switch   
  
Author: Mitsaso  
  
E-mail:Mitsaso_X@hotmail.com, Mitsaso@in.gr  
  
Archive: Just inform me if you want to archive it someplace else. I won't have any problem with that!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the X-Men; they belong to Marvel and Stan Lee. I swear to return them back to their place once I finish playing with them. No profit is made of this story, so please hold back the urge to sue me. As for the Body Switching concept, I don't know who it belongs to, as that cliche had been used in many movies, «Freaky Friday» being the latest. All the people who had used that cliche in their movies can go ahead and sue me, but they would have to sue each other first for using the same cliche idea in all those films. ;-)  
  
Rating: PG-13.Some raw language. That's all, I swear!  
  
Summary: Logan and Scott switch bodies...and the chaos begins! How will they adapt to that change and even use it to their advantage?  
  
Warnings: The guys here might get a little out of character...okay, a lot, but they're out of their bodies too, so I consider it logical. Plus, it's a humorous story, nobody's character remains intact in this kind of fics. If you find anything offending to you in here (though I highly doubt it), just e-mail me and I will make sure that I get myself punished (like, slap my head twice). Also, the song used somewhere along the fic is the well known "YMCA" by the Village People. Apart from some other minor changes, I just replaced "young man" with "mutant" and "YMCA" with "at Xavier's". Heh, you get the picture... ;-)   
  
I would also really appreciate getting your feedback, as the thought that someone might have had fun with my fics is nowhere close to *actually* knowing that someone *did* have fun with one of my fics. You can also flame me or call me nasty names, I won't object, I just want to know someone is out there watching me-er, reading my fics I mean. Oh yeah, and that thing they call "constructive criticism", I don't know what that fully means, but I would like some of that too. ;-)  
  
But enough of my rumbling.   
  
Here goes the story!  
  
***************************************************************  
  
At the Robin, night time  
  
Logan tried to control his temper as he completed 75 minutes in a row sitting on the rather uncomfortable chair. His butt had gone numb until now, and he could barely feel it.  
  
Around him, his fellow X-Men were occupying the rest of the chairs at the table and were apparently having fun, judging from their cheerful gestures and happy voices that filled the room.  
  
Jean had her birthday today, and she decided to take everyone for dinner at the Robin, making it clear to everyone that it was *her* birthday, so *she* would buy.  
  
Actually, it was a very smart way to avoid the traditional surprise party which hardly surprised anyone nowadays, and along with it she would avoid the birthday cake that *others* would prepare, thus making the number of the candles that would be used a real pain in the ass.  
  
But since Jean scheduled this dinner, she would also have control on the cake and all the variables of it, and she still would help herself to all the presents she would get for completing...how many years were they?  
  
"Clever, sneaky Jean", was all that Logan could think at the time, apart from his posterior getting number by each minute. Himself, he wasn't really enjoying the night.  
  
For God's sake, no, it wasn't that he was a big moody spoilsport, a loner that had difficulty rejoicing along with other human...or mutant beings.  
  
But there wasn't any beer at the damned place. And nothing else was particularly appetising to him at the moment.  
  
So right now, he was the only total sober, since everybody else had helped himself with the wine available and now felt more or less light-headed.  
  
Jean had just blown the candles on the cake she provided to herself, a cake that conveniently had a single candle. Now they just stood there and chatted, waiting for the waitress to come and slice the cake.  
  
He had a quick glimpse toward the celebrating redhead and her one-eyed husband. Scott was lightly stroking her fiery strands of hair while they both watched Hank and Bobby analysing their own points of view of one of the latter's pranks.  
  
For a moment, Scott caught Logan looking at them, and sent back a faint smile. But the alcohol in his system didn't let it go noticed as warm-hearted and innocent as it was supposed to seem. It could almost feel like triumphant, or teasing. The way Scott went back at smelling his wife's hair made it seem closer to the teasing side.   
  
Logan knew that he was supposed to be far over it by now, but he would never deny to himself that a hint of that old feeling for Jean wasn't still resting itself deep inside himself, waiting for the right opportunity to emerge.  
  
Great.  
  
Now he had to drink, or else he would get distinguishably moody in the middle of a team of semi-drunk, perky and cheering super-heroes. This was supposed to be a celebration, after all.  
  
He sipped down his throat a good portion of the reddish liquid, but it wasn't strong enough. After all, even if it wasn't for his healing factor that made getting drunk much more difficult, he still had so much alcohol in his system all those years that he would need to ravage the entire cellar to even begin feeling a little light-headed.   
  
Logan quit his trail of thoughts as he saw Jean beginning to open her presents. At last, something that actually promised some interest.  
  
"OK, this one is from Storm..."she said as she hastily scraped the wrappings of the big looking package. She found a tool-kit inside.  
  
"Awww,'The Little Gardener Tool Kit!" she announced, a bit unsurprised. She was a psychic after all. "Thank you, Ororo", she said as she sent some imaginary kisses to the weather goddess at the opposite side of the table.  
  
The next present opened was from Bobby. Jean wasn't surprised at all when she unwrapped the expensive, trendy pair of high-heels that consisted Bobby's present for her birthday. She was much more excited however, when she felt the leather on the side of the nicely crafted fashion icon.  
  
As she thanked Drake and pinched his blushed cheek, Logan had his suspicions confirmed; Jean used her older sister relationship to the kid every year in order to project ideas of the perfect birthday gifts in his mind. Somehow they were always trendy and worth a fortune. In addition, Drake was unlikely to be the kind of man who knew what kind of present to get for a girl...   
  
Well, now it was his turn. Wolverine's present was the only gift that actually was a surprise to Jean, due to the mental barriers he could raise against her and all that.  
  
Jean held in her hands the medium sized package, still wrapped up, staring at it with disbelief. It was a cylinder like thingy, around ten inches long, one edge of it was rounded and smooth. Her eyes grew like two baseballs as an idea of what the mystery present seemed to be hit her. She raised an eyebrow at Logan and the left side of her lips formed into a half-grin. She was ready to proceed to unwrapping it, if it wasn't for an angry, totally pissed Scott that interrupted the process. Apparently, he had formed the same idea in his mind about this present, and he seemed none too happy about it.  
  
"Logan...? Why would your thick head ever think she would need such a filthy thing? What in heck's name is that and you call it a present?" his voice showed a mixture of anger and anxiety.  
  
"See for yourself, one-eye" he shot back at Cyclops, as this unfair presumption only added more heat to his already boiling nerves.  
  
Scott ripped the wrappings off the offending present, and waved it on the air, only to realise it was a family-size perfume, and a pretty expensive one too, considering the trend written on the front side of it. Surprise and more anger-for being embarrassed this time-coloured his face.  
  
"Now, why the hell would I ever think that a girl would need a perfume...? I'm sorry, Summers, what was I thinking?", was Logan's nicely timed ironic comment.  
  
Jean, instead of stopping the incoming brawl between her husband and Logan, happily grabbed her present and tried it, puffing some of it on her neck and hair. Initially, she had thought it was a dildo too, but now she was happy because it apparently was something even better.  
  
"That does it One-eye! After all those years, you still won't trust me around your wife! You just had to get a little alcohol in your system to actually show it!". Logan's anger was stronger than any stupor he had ever been into, and he marched towards a confrontation, although the Robin was the least appropriate place to do it; it was public, after all.  
  
"That's true! I won't trust you! And apparently, I am so right! You have been eyeing my wife since the moment we stepped in here! No wonder you chose the seat directly opposing us so that you could have a better view at her!" Scott mouthed quickly all these in order to complete his little speech before Logan would leap at him.  
  
But Logan never leapt at Cyclops. He just stood there, anger flushing his entire body, as Slim exposed his most oppressed feelings publicly, in front of the surprised faces of his fellow X-Men, plus the snickering ones of the other patrons present in the Robin. Scott had taken him over the edge, but he couldn't jump on the table and gut him in response. Not when a perfectly fine birthday cake was within arm's reach.  
  
Scott's eyes followed Logan's toward the cake and back at him and a bolt of realisation stroke him. He used the advantage of the visor covering his eyes to pretend he didn't know what was in Logan's mind, and then he quickly dove for the cake, just as Wolverine's hands also reached for it.  
  
In the meanwhile, Jean had forgot all about her new perfume and she watched in growing shock the scene before her eyes, the thoughts of amusement and worry she picked up from the other X-Men making it all the more intense. Then she picked up Scott's thoughts about the cake and both her eyes grew bigger in panic.  
  
"Nooo!" was all she could do to react. That, and the fact that she jumped for the cake too, though a little belatedly.  
  
Scott and Logan were both wrestling for the chocolate cake at the time, while they both had a grip on it somehow, and Jean's addition to the club somewhat startled them. The cake, after changing hands each few seconds, finally slipped off their hands and made a rather interesting journey.  
  
The first stop in that journey was Jeans face.  
  
However, the cake was on a little higher level than Jean's head at the time, so only half of the cake and its base rested on her face. The rest of the cake continued the journey and flew over to an old woman sitting to the next table. It landed on the back of her shoulders, making her a real mess as it splashed all over her table.  
  
But nobody thought about the lady on the next table at the time, as they all had to confront a very pissed Jean, with droplets of chocolate cake dripping down to her neck, chest and clothes.  
  
Even at that dire time, Jean didn't shout or scream.  
  
Not vocally at least.  
  
[LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, YOU STUPID JERKS! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY OCCASION, BEING MY BIRTHDAY! NOW I WILL NEVER HAVE THE COURAGE TO WALK IN HERE AGAIN AND NOT REMEMBER THE EMBARRASSMENT YOU PUT ME INTO TODAY!]  
  
Jean was using her telepathy to yell at them without making herself more of a spectacle than what she already was, but somehow she didn't notice that she projected her thoughts to everyone in the Robin. She just isolated her interest on the two people who destroyed her birthday.  
  
Logan and Scott both winced under her stare, "guilty" written all over their faces.  
  
[You know what? We're leaving]she thought, pointing her head to the other X-Men, who of course had no courage to object.[You two make sure that you pay for the dinner and then you can walk all the way back home. And you better think what you have done tonight, if you want to hear from me again!]  
  
Scott knew what that meant. He would have to sleep in the couch tonight.  
  
Logan smirked as he saw Cyclops lowering his head. He could guess what he was thinking.  
  
At the end of her little speech, Jean finally remembered to scoop all the sugary stuff on her face, and then promptly left, following the others.  
  
Scott and Logan looked at each other, and they both called out to the waitress that stood amused a few feet beside the table.  
  
"Check, please!", they yelled at unison.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Now they both stood outside the Robin, contemplating if they should walk back to the mansion together or take different paths, thus keeping out of each other's face. But since there was only one path for the way back, it seemed that they would have to suffer each other's company and maybe even have a chat about the little incident at the Robin.  
  
"Now thanks to your incompetence to stay away from other people's wives, I will have to walk all these miles to the mansion, apparently in the middle of the rain too!" Scott protested.  
  
Logan sniffed the air. Yes, it was about to rain. Probably a little extra payback from Jean, who probably convinced Storm into doing this.  
  
However, Logan preferred to ignore the incoming rain and remain at Scott's comment. "You're still afraid she'll leave you for a more exciting guy, ain't ya? That's what it's all about!"  
  
That touched Scott deep inside, reaching the distant place in his heart where his insecurity was hidden. This could be another mind game of Logan's, his little twisted way to push him to his limits again. Yes, he always was afraid of losing his wife, and especially to Logan. Plus, Wolverine's constant presence around them didn't help at all.  
  
"Just stop this, okay? There are so many women out there...why do you have to go after mine? Leave her alone." Scott's voice was lower now, and far less offensive.  
  
"I can't choose who I ...am after to." was his response, equally calm.  
  
"Yes-YOU CAN! You're around for lots of years and yet you can't look at her in any way less than the way you look at those dirty magazines of yours! Why do you have to persist on this, when you know nothing good will come out of this? Is it-is it the fact that you can't have her that makes you want her more?" Scott's voice was much louder now, probably to hide the fact that it was close to trembling.  
  
Logan gave a stabbing look at him through half-closed eyes. How dared he bring his feelings for Jean to the same level as those for a slutty Playmate on a magazine cover? But instead of basing on that his next words, Logan just teased more, bringing more heat into the argument. "You think I can't have her? You seem awfully worried for a man that confident though."  
  
Logan's comments were once more painfully accurate. Scott contemplated raising his hand to the level of his visor and putting an end to the painful words. A painful brawl would heal much faster than the things they were saying until now.  
  
At that moment, a strange woman came into view and interrupted their confrontation.  
  
"Hello...gentlemen." She was quite calm at the time, but not exactly friendly either. She eyed both of them, like hey should feel sorry about something.  
  
"What do you want, woman?" Logan wasn't exactly subtle in his words with people he didn't know, and that woman was no exception. Especially when those people were standing between him and a good, refreshing battle.  
  
She stepped closer to them, and they both saw her clothing stained by a brownish material. The woman herself seemed to be around 60 or 65 years old, with long grey hair, and a perfectly normal but highly unfriendly face. She was the unlucky woman who had been introduced to the rest of Jean's chocolate cake.  
  
"I expect an apology...or any other kind of comfort, that is." her tone was harsh, like she was scolding two kids that had caused mischief.  
  
"Any other kind of comfort? We don't do such stuff, lady. Bugger off!" Logan was surprised to hear these from Scott's mouth. He somewhat was pissed off too, apparently.  
  
"By comfort I meant paying for the dry-cleaner's!", she said, grabbing with both hands her vest. Now she seemed twice as pissed of as before." Youthful people today...they think everything's about sex. "She glanced back at them. "Jerks".  
  
Logan growled. "With that, you lost any chance on getting your apology, granny. Now beat it. Fast. "His eyes gleamed a bit at her, in case she got frightened.  
  
But she was strangely stable at the time, still looking at them and contemplating her next move. Logan thought about getting his claws for some air, but his instinct told him the old witch wouldn't budge.  
  
"Still here?" Scott asked her with a grin.  
  
"I had enough with both of you. I gave you the chance to make up for yourselves, but you proved yourselves rude and disrespectful as well as clumsy. Now I will have to punish you little shitheads"  
  
Both Logan and Scott looked at each other and started giggling. That was the most honest and intimate act they shared together for a long time now. But as soon as they heard a puff from the old lady's direction and looked back at her, they knew deep inside that they had just screwed up...second screw-up for tonight along with Jean cake-ing herself.  
  
The smoke surrounding the old woman subsided, and she was still there. Alas, she now wore a witch's costume and she even held an old broomstick. "Now I will have to put a curse on you", she laughed, revealing all of her four teeth.  
  
*snickt*  
  
As they both got ready for action, the old witch pointed toward them and zapped them. They were now paralysed. They stared in terror at her as she satanically cackled.  
  
"Now, let me find something suitable...you two seem to not really cope with each other..."  
  
"You heard us as you were approaching us, you witch...Do you need to ask? "Scott snapped at her. The spell allowed them to speak, obviously.  
  
"I see a woman between you two...am I wrong? You're both after the same lass, ain't ya?" she kept babbling.  
  
"She's not between us...! She's my wife, dammit! Can't anyone of you realise that once married, my wife is not available for other men anymore?" Scott was still pissed off because nobody tried to acknowledge that Jean only belonged to him now. Or, more like it,*he* belonged to *her*.   
  
"You wouldn't like to be in each other's shoes, now would you?" she finally seemed to be getting somewhere.  
  
"My shoes would be too big for him anyway" teased Logan.  
  
"Yeah right. You'd love to be in my place any day, you filthy grumpy low-life!" Scott just kept breaking his rudeness record.  
  
"So be it", the witch said, and clapped her hands. "From now on, you will be living in each other's body. You will have to suffer each other's presence on you very skin. This curse is irreversible, as there are no magical means of turning you back into what you were before. You will be unable to inform others that you live in another body from now on, and just for your case, I will provide constant telepathic shielding of this change, as I perfectly understood that the little wife of yours is a psychic and would soon see through this otherwise. Nobody will ever know the difference."  
  
The witch clapped her hands again and then disappeared in a puff of smoke, cackling hysterically. The spell of paralysis was lifted, and both Scott and Logan looked at each other in confusion.  
  
But instead of seeing 'the other guy', they both saw themselves staring back at them.  
  
And that was the last they saw for the next few minutes. 


	2. Handicap

Scott woke up and found his face against something hard and wet.  
  
It was the pavement, duh!  
  
Getting up, he realised he had only passed out for a few minutes, because the rain currently pouring must have just started.  
  
He wondered why he was up and about so soon, and then started scratching his face, because his raging stubble was itching like hell.  
  
"Hey, wait a minute, STUBBLE?" He remembered shaving just that morning, right before washing his teeth and using his dental floss. Twice.  
  
He also realised that he was seeing the world from a somewhat lower view than before.  
  
"Oh, no. Dear God, please don't let that be..."  
  
He cocked his head to his right and saw somebody else lying unconscious beside where he lied before.  
  
It was...Scott Summers. Or his body at least.  
  
Scott put his hands on his head and grabbed a pointy bunch of hair in each side.  
  
"Ohhh NOOOOO!" he screamed in agony. That bitchy witch wasn't full of crap when she said what she said. It was probably his new body's healing factor that brought him to his senses so quickly.   
  
Agony and worry flowed through his body, and all those intense feelings caused him to pop out his claws.  
  
*Snickt!*  
  
The pain on his hands was excruciating, and the claws being still out wasn't helping much either. He called them back in and exhilarated in relief when the wounds healed themselves.  
  
He tried to take a step forward and found himself staggering, almost falling on the pavement again. Logan's body was much heavier with all that adamantium skeleton issue and all. He made a few small steps and got used to the weight and height difference. He would need to get used to it, considering what the witch had said.  
  
Right then, he saw Cyclops-eer, Logan-coming to his senses too.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Logan instinctively stood up as soon as he was conscious. Having a look around, he thought to himself that the world looked much different.  
  
Like it was dipped in blood.  
  
But then he realised it was the red visor in front of his eyes that made it look like that.  
  
His eyes also caught the red version of Wolverine looking back at him. So the witch was telling the truth.  
  
"No, for fuck's sake, NO!" was the coolest of his further reactions.  
  
He stopped cursing at the ill fate that brought him into this situation as he realised that Scott, or more accurately Scott inhabiting Wolverine's body, was actually laughing. Ironically, but it still was a laugh.  
  
"What the hell are you laughing at, bub?"   
  
"This. Us, actually. You know, I hate to admit this, but this is actually an improvement to me. I get to have fully functioning powers and eyesight, and an almost immortal body that will allow me to live a way longer life. Hell, now I can actually wait for Jean every time she dies and takes a century to reincarnate again." He then went back at laughing, but stopped dead when he realised that Logan was giving him a really wicked look under his ruby visor. After so many years wearing them, he could tell when someone hid an expression under the red shade of the thing.  
  
"How can you expect to do anything with Jean...? After all, now you are the omnipotent, powerful and lethal Wolverine" Logan made a gesture pointing at the tall, slender body he inhabited. His wicked grin melted into a full smile, letting his perfectly white set of teeth shine into the night. Scott had brought those teeth into this exceptional state with years of nurturing and tender, loving care. "As for me...well, now *I* am the one married to Jean. The one with the body married to Jean, more specifically." he added, and suddenly, Scott knew what all that grinning was about.  
  
"NO!" Scott yelled at Jean's new husband as he realised the major handicap he was into right now. "You bastard...! You wouldn't...!"  
  
"Oh, I will..."Logan said, going back to the wicked grin, although it must have felt a bit ridiculous when used in Cyclops' dorky face. Pushing these thoughts aside for the time being, Logan turned his back at his old body and started running towards Xavier's mansion. He could already feel the difference in running with a taller body, which owned equally longer feet.  
  
Scott ran right after him, all the time cursing and swearing, thinking that such behaviour was much more fitting in his new body, and apparently the new lifestyle he should adopt along with it.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Much, much later.  
  
Logan finally made it to the mansion and stopped for a bit to rest. He could run faster with this taller body, but old One-Eye still didn't have the stamina and strength resources the original Wolverine body had. He had to adjust into that handicap, if he wanted to make it through.  
  
Looking back where he came from for a little, he was happy to realise that Scott had lost him. However, he knew he would soon be there too. After all, he had Logan's body and he wouldn't need to stop for a breath like Logan did in this crappy, weak body.  
  
Logan relished in the warmness of a fully heated mansion as it engulfed his aching and soaked from the rain body. Lack of cold resistance should be marked as another handicap of Scott's body.  
  
However, Logan forgot about the cons of Cyke's body right then and got back to the pros. He was married to Jean. He could go upstairs, play a little cute at her and he could have what he always had wanted to have the most, but the fact that he couldn't have it made him to want to have it even more. He also had to stop thinking confusing phrases with the verb "have" right now or else the readers of this fic would have to have the author's head on a platter for writing so many 'haves' in the fic you currently have in front of your eyes.   
  
He made his way upstairs, ignoring Rogue, who made comments and hid her taunting smiles while crossing him on the staircase.  
  
He was going to have (oops!) Jean tonight and Scott couldn't stop him. If the witch was true in all that she said, he wouldn't even be able to reveal to anyone about this body switch and they would both stay like this forever, with Jean incapable of telling who was really who in her whole life. Or lives. Oh, hell, Scottverine could use his immortality and have her after Logan died in this wimpy little body. But till then she would only have eyes for her Cyclogan.  
  
He tried to remember where the Summers bedroom was, and he actually made it. The body change had cost him the claws, the healing factor etc, but all the training from Weapon X that made him the world's best at what he does was still in this mind.  
  
He chuckled at all the dirty ideas that leapt at his mind, the ones he had been making about when he would finally get it on with the redhead, and he silently opened the door of his new bedroom, the one he now shared with his unexpected wife.  
  
A wave of telekinetic energy leapt at him and pushed him outside the room, making him fall on his butt on the corridor floor, washing away all the dirty thoughts, and pulling him back to the harsh reality.  
  
[Don't expect to crawl into the same bed with me after what you have done tonight, Mr. Summers!] a sweet, angry little voice informed him, right after the door was shut into his face.  
  
Oh, darn. He wouldn't get any tonight. And same goes for many later nights, considering what he and Scott had done earlier at the Robin. Both of them, no matter which body they were in, would have to try hard and make it up to her.  
  
Then Scott came into sight, out of breath from the continuous running and stair climbing. He had a look at Logan in his body, sitting on the floor, having the-which truck just hit me-look on his face, no matter that the visor hid an important part of them.  
  
He considered falling on the floor and hysterically laughing at him, but he decided that doing it on his feet would be more prestigious.  
  
"Looks like the couch is calling for you tonight...lover boy" he commented. "At least I have my own, separate bedroom, probably equipped with a TV set and a rich stash of porn magazines. Nighty-night...Slim. " Then Scott made his way to his new bedroom, still snickering at the lesson that Logan was taught today. Considering the anger with which Jean was loaded tonight, Logan wouldn't have a chance at getting in the same room as her for weeks, let alone get her to bed. The growly man would soon learn the downside of being married to Jean...  
  
***************************************************************  
  
All the running he had done to get here, plus the disappointment that expected him when he did make it to the mansion, had made Logan tired and thirsty. He helped himself to some of his beers in the kitchen, but after the first bottle he realised that his new system couldn't take much alcohol...and this body had already consumed a generous quantity of wine back at the Robin, with its old inhabitant. All that wine gave that body the urgent need to pee.  
  
Logan, feeling a little light-headed for the first time in his life-no matter which body he was into-pulled his body into the stall, and closed the door.  
  
He reached into his pants and found out he was wearing briefs. "Should have expected that with this guy", he thought to himself, but then a crazy, worrying idea hit him.  
  
He had a look downwards. Using one of his new, younger and less hairy hands, he hooked with his thumb the elastic band of his-Scott's-briefs, and pulled it outwards a little.  
  
He slowly pulled his eyes toward it, and gave an inquiring look to what was inside...  
  
Logan's agonising screams filled the whole mansion, as he painfully realised what the biggest (or should I say 'smallest') handicap of his new body was. 


	3. ChaChaCha!

The next morning  
  
Scott walked through the public places of the Xavier's Institute. He had a serene look on his face, and that made everyone around him give him the weird eye, since the great Wolverine was never supposed to look calm and serene.  
  
Well, actually, it wasn't the way he behaved that called for everybody's attention, it was the way he looked.  
  
Scott had woken up that morning and he felt disturbed by several aspects of Wolverine's body. Those were the aspects that made him look gruff and uncivilised. The facial hair, the weird pointy haircut...they all had to go. His stubble made him very itchy. He then decided that he wouldn't compromise and adapt himself to his new body and attitude...instead he would adapt his new body into the proportions he wanted it to.  
  
So he strolled into his new bathroom (which, by the way, was in need of a serious cleaning)and started searching around for the needed accessories. After discovering an untouched pack of breath mints in the bedroom's drawers, Scott was not surprised to find an equally virgin bottle of mouthwash in the same corner where the cloth-cleaning chemicals were supposed to be.   
  
He finally found the scissors jammed into the hinges of the little window above the shower. "A-ha!" he triumphantly exclaimed as he removed them from up there, but the window, with nothing to hold it in place anymore, fell over and smashed into the bathtub.  
  
He would clean this mess up later. First of all, he had a holy quest; to humanise his new form and make himself socially acceptable.  
  
As he now walked around, exposing himself and his improvement to the residents of the mansion, he couldn't help himself from grinning in satisfaction.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Logan walked around the place like a ghost after the difficult night he had just spent. Nightmares of cackling witches and sinister Scotts had been haunting him until the sun rose, making his sleep something much less than comforting and rest-providing. His red eyes surely would have revealed it to those around him, if it wasn't for the equally red visor covering them.  
  
Oh, that cursed visor...it was highly uncomfortable, and the way he hadn't been used to having it on his head, it had doubled the difficulty of sleeping the previous night. The way he had been laying had made the stupid thing apply pressure his head and now he also had achieved a headache from this.   
  
But Logan forgot everything; his nightmares, his headache, even the tiny weenie he was stuck with, when his eyes were set upon the most gruesome sight that ever presented itself in front of him.  
  
Scott casually walked beside him, greeting him with a gleam in his eye, as he saw how Logan had taken a pale colour from the shock.  
  
Scott had turned Wolverine's body into...something sinister. The gruff facial hair wasn't there anymore. Wolverine's legendary thick sideburns were also gone. The few hairs on the top of his head were now nicely cropped into a fine crew-cut. And the greatest sacrilege upon this blessed body and the animalistic philosophy it carried with it were the Hawaiian shirt and the large, bright orange shorts. Not to mention the orange pedals he wore.  
  
The paleness soon subsided, a fully red shade dominating Logan's face, making a nice match with the visor.  
  
Scott subtlely retreated to another room. Logan was no match for him now that they had switched bodies, but he couldn't risk an outrage of Logan's that could turn suspicious looks on him too(yeah, like the total makeover he forced upon himself passed as normal).  
  
Upon backtracking to the next room, he bumped on Jubilee. After the instant shock, she set her eyes upon him and greeted him with a perky voice:  
  
"Hello there! You're new here, right? I'm Jubilation Lee! Friends call me-"  
  
"Jubileeeeee..."Scott interrupted, not believing that she didn't recognise him. His leader-of-the-X-Men tone combined to Wolverine's gruff and not so melodic voice actually scared him to along with the young girl before his eyes.  
  
Realisation struck her. "WOLVIE?!?" Then, that realisation turned into a heavy shock that was clearly visible on her face. Scott saw her face features slowly spasming, like she was trying not to...  
  
"A-ahahahahahahaha!!!!"  
  
...crack up laughing.  
  
The real Wolverine would have put the rude girl on his knees and spank her to death for laughing at his face. However, Scott was far different. He just calmly accepted that Jubilee would have such an intense reaction to a root-deep change in her mentor's psyche and appearance. It was yet too soon for the poor girl to realise that Wolverine would never be the same.  
  
He just gave her something that miserably failed to resemble one of Logan's growls and left, turning his back at her.  
  
Before he got out of ear range, his ears caught her saying that he looked like a baboon's ass. So, okay, his face had turned a bit red from the painful process of shaving off facial hair that was as old as time itself, but that was too much!  
  
Apparently, he had to do something to make his image cooler, like Logan's.  
  
***************************************************************   
  
  
  
Logan tried to force himself into looking less miserable while he walked towards Professor X's office. He didn't want Chuck to realise the grand change in his attitude (as Cyclops) by his mood, since his immensely strong telepathic abilities hadn't done the trick already. The witch had till now been perfectly sane and accurate in everything she had said. Neither Jean nor the Professor had been able to tell the difference in Scott's or Logan's behaviour. Logan's petty attempts to get someone to understand who he really was had until now proved unfruitful. Anytime he would try to say something like: "It's me, Logan, trapped in this loser's body!" his mouth would go numb and his voice would faint. He couldn't write it in a piece of paper either. He couldn't even hint the (literally) unspeakable truth to the others!  
  
As for Scott, he hadn't actually tried to tell anyone, but hell, the crew-cut and the sissy cloths should have alerted everyone in the mansion by now! On the contrary, nobody had even showed suspicion over this change in Wolverine's lifestyle and attitude.   
  
The worst of all was that after these first few days, he still hadn't been able to get anywhere close to Jean and use the one and only advantage his new body had offered to him (OK, apart from the height difference!). What use was being married to her if she wouldn't even forgive him for a little mistake, like being unable to handle a little chocolate cake along with two other people? Even worse, he couldn't even grumble about being Scott's fault (after all, they each had their normal bodies before that accident) ,because they both were wrestling over the cake, no matter which body each inhabited now!  
  
So, he still hadn't got to talk to Jean and release a bit of the tension between them. He still hadn't got to have any fun using his new identity. He just carried himself around the mansion, grumbling and brooding like a poor man's Wolverine, but still nobody tried to comfort him or even ask him if he was okay. They probably thought that he (as Scott) was worrying about his non-talking period with Jean, and yes, they were partially right! But they still didn't mention anything, thinking that they were Scott and Jean and they would never break up anyway, so it was just a matter of time before she would forgive him and everything would go on as before.  
  
Okay, now he thought he had spent too much time brooding and he should have been by Xavier's office by now. Cocking his head to check his whereabouts, he realised that indeed he had been brooding and walking for a long time and he had passed the Professor's office ages ago. Grumbling, he ran back to where he was supposed to go in the first place.  
  
As he turned the knob and opened the office's door, he caught the Professor sitting on his hovering wheelchair and slapping his thighs in the tune of some song. Actually it was "Paris Latino".  
  
"Ow! Scott! I didn't realise you were about to enter!"  
  
"I can tell", his tone was almost ironic.  
  
"But you especially always knock before barging into rooms like that!"  
  
"Apparently, not anymore." he could feel himself subconsciously pushing Xavier to the edge of discovering what was the change for. But it still didn't seem to work. Chuck was just standing (uh-sitting) there, a dumb-funded look in his eyes. Hey, that could work! He could call him "Chuck" out loud! Only the real Wolverine would call him like that! Even if it didn't entirely work, it would surely plant suspicion in Xavier's world famous mind!  
  
"So, you summoned me here for a reason, right? Is there something you want to tell me...Ch..."  
  
Oh no. His mouth was going numb again...his voice wouldn't react properly...his vocal chords were acting crazy somewhere inside his neck...that's where the vocal chords aren't they?  
  
"...Ch...Cha...Chelchaaaa-ch-cha...CHA-CHA-CHA!!!"   
  
"Scott are you alright?"  
  
"...Uhm yeah..." he quickly made up an excuse in his mind "I'm just doing my verbal exercise for today...Chu...Charles. Mr.Charles." Logan had guessed by now that calling Chuck...well "Chuck" was also considered a hint from the smart curse the witch had cast upon him and Scott.  
  
The Professor gave him an odd look before pulling him back to the course of their conversation. "So, you had been right, Scott. I did call you in here to tell you something. I will have to leave the mansion for a while. I'm going to England for matters of personal level, and I'm going to leave you in charge of this place. As the leader of the X-Men, you would prove more than sufficient in this kind of leadership too. I hope the responsibilities you will have here won't prove themselves overwhelming, will they?"   
  
During these words of Xavier's it struck him. Being married to Jean wasn't the only attribute of old One-Eye. Cyclops was also the leader of the X-Men, and with a little effort he could push the other X-men into doing stuff they weren't willing to do. This little fact, along with the power that was now laid on his hands by Chuck made him...the King of the Mansion!  
  
"YES!" he screamed in joy.  
  
"Yes, what?" said Xavier, giving him the odd eye again.  
  
"Uhm, I mean, 'Yes!' I am glad to take this responsibility into my hands...I won't disappoint you, sir." Logan was trying to sound all too boy-scoutish by now.  
  
"Okay, I guess this is it then. I will be leaving by sunset with a normal flight from New York. Don't expect me to be back for a few weeks."  
  
Logan started walking toward the exit, parading like a happy little dancer during Mardi-Gras.  
  
"Oh, and Scott?"  
  
"Huh?" he cocked his head back.  
  
"I found out that we can house a lot more students in the mansion by the next few months. Make sure you will have boarded some more people in here by the time I'm back. You know, tell Jean to find a creative way to approach willing students."  
  
An evil gleam enriched Cyclops-Logan's eyes, but the ruby shades hid it well. "I can think of something myself."  
  
Then he resumed parading towards the door. 


	4. At Xavier's!

Jean had been wandering around the hallways outside the Danger Room for the last few hours. Something weird was going on the last days and she had sworn to herself to find out what it was. Right now, Scott had gathered Logan, Bobby, Kurt, Warren and Remy in the Danger Room and they had locked themselves in there, taking a camera with them. Scott had only mentioned something about a commercial, and had then used all of his leader's charm combined with a new, brash aggression to convince (force) them follow his orders as a rightful leader of the X-Men. Since he currently was in charge of the whole mansion, they couldn't resist him. After all, he had used the magic words "Professor told me to..." in the beginning of each order.  
  
That happened two days ago and currently they were still in there. The only sounds coming out from there was some kind of music which reminded her of an old song... but as much as she kept squeezing her mind like a lemon, she still couldn't remember which one it was. The only things she could hear the few times the music stopped was the terrifying sound of a whip (ka-ching!) and the loud curses ,apparently coloured from her husband's voice. Some whimpering from the others could be heard once in a while.  
  
She could swear that Logan and Scott had been acting weird since the day she got herself humiliated, her face covered in chocolate. Logan had changed his look in a much less...eccentric one, and the pleasure he seemed to show on relishing that change automatically excluded the chances of doing this in self-punishment for embarrassing her. Though she had to admit that the change was for the better, since it brought out the sweet, caring Logan that she knew that was hiding under the formerly brash exterior.  
  
Scott, on the other hand, seemed to force himself on some outrageous self-punishment. He turned gruff, antisocial and from what the others were telling her, he was brooding all the time. And that was weird, because every time they would fight or she would get angry at him, within the next day he would talk to her and apologise (no matter whose fault it was). This time, Scott seemed to have forgotten all about apologising. However, she didn't intend to make the first move herself.   
  
Suddenly, her trail of thoughts were interrupted by the Danger Room's door swinging open and 5 terrified X-Men bursting themselves out of the room. They ran in the corridors screaming "freedom!" as they got away, some even raising their hands on the air.   
  
Scott slowly strolled out of the Danger Room, a sleek expression on his face that would seem more appropriate in Wolverine's face. On his right hand rested a videotape.   
  
Jean, concerned, ran up to him. "Oh, Scott, I forgive you for what happened earlier. Just TELL me what have you guys been doing in there the last two days??"  
  
Scott's sleek grin grew into a full nasty smile. "But-I told ya. I have been shooting a commercial for advertising the Institute. The boys were starring in it and we have just finished shooting. My work is complete" he said, playfully switching the videotape from one hand to another.   
  
"Oh-can I see it? CAN I??" Jean pleaded like a little girl in need of an ice-cream.  
  
"Sure ya will. Just gather the rest of the guys in the TV room, so that you can watch the premiere all together."  
  
Jean just telepathically screamed in everybody's mind to fet their asses in the TV room and started running toward there herself, wanting to be the first to get there.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Everyone who shared the painful fate of living under the roof of Xavier's mansion were now gathered in the TV room, questioning looks travelling around the room for an explanation of why they were alarmed to get there.   
  
The X-Men who were supposed to be starring in the video were the only ones absent, as they probably were too tired to do anything after two days of non-consentional shooting.   
  
The gathered crowd in the TV room had been given a brief explanation from Jean that they were about to watch a TV commercial for the Institute, an ad that her husband had directed himself.  
  
That had resulted in a grumbling marathon from Rogue, who protested that she should be the one starring on the ad, since she obviously was born to be a star... actually she was born a mutant, but no one attempted to remind her.  
  
Then Logan (in Scott's body) walked into the room, greeting everyone with the grace and the cockiness of an accomplished European director.  
  
Eventually, he pushed a non-labelled videotape into the device, making sure that everyone was sitting down and didn't block anyone else's view.  
  
"The commercial is in a video clip form, just be sure to remember that" he added, before it started playing.   
  
As the groovy music of "YMCA" by the Village People began, everyone saw the 5 X-Men standing in a line, grooving their hips in synch with the music. In the background there was an apparition of the mansion's out yard, induced by the Danger Room's high tech system of course.  
  
There was Bobby, clad in his old blue 'Speedo' uniform and his accordingly coloured boots. His hip swinging was suspiciously cheerful, considering that he had the mark of a whip marking his left thigh. He was iceing up and de-iceing according to the rhythm.  
  
Next to him Kurt was swinging his tail with the music. He was wearing his old costume who gave the 'V' impression, the vest reaching higher than his shoulders.  
  
Gambit was there too. He wore his usual armour and his brownish leather duster above it. He seemed to be a natural on dancing. His thrusts actually reminded those of a go-go boy.  
  
Warren, clad in an angel tunic, seemed to have some difficulties dancing with the added weight of his wings. But after the first two seconds, he started grooving his wings in motion as well and flashed a triumphant smile.  
  
In the middle of them all, Wolverine was giving a real show, dressed in lumberjack clothing. He seemed to be the lead dancer, and apparently-as he opened his mouth-the lead singer too.  
  
Wolverine began singing and the others were backing vocals as they all danced around in synch.  
  
"Mutant, there's no need to feel down  
  
I said, mutant, pick yourself off the ground  
  
I said, mutant, 'cause you're in a new town  
  
There's no need to be so grumpy  
  
Mutant, there's a place you can go  
  
I said, mutant, when you're short on your dough  
  
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find  
  
Many ways to have a good time.  
  
It's fun to train yourself at Xavier's   
  
It's fun to study stuff at Xavier's  
  
You can prank with Bobby, chat a bit with the Beast,  
  
Then you all can have a Twinkie feast.  
  
It's fun to train yourself at Xavier's  
  
It's fun to study stuff at Xavier's.  
  
You can get yourself clean  
  
You can have a good meal  
  
Unless Rogue gets to cook an eel.  
  
Mutant, Are you listening to me  
  
I said, mutant, what do you wanna be  
  
I said, mutant, if superheroing's your thing,  
  
you've just got to know this one thing.  
  
No man, does it all by himself  
  
I said, mutant, put your pride on the shelf  
  
And just go there, to that place of Xavier's.  
  
I'm sure he can help you today  
  
It's fun to train yourself at Xavier's  
  
It's fun to study stuff at Xavier's  
  
They have everything for mutant guys to enjoy.  
  
Unless they wanna be a go-go boy.  
  
It's fun to train yourself at Xavier's  
  
It's fun to study stuff at Xavier's  
  
You can get yourself clean  
  
but not with Storm's chlorine  
  
You can do whatever you feel.  
  
Mutant, I was once in your shoes,  
  
I said, I was down and out with the blues  
  
I felt, no man cared if I were alive  
  
I was mutant so I had to die  
  
That's when someone came up to me  
  
and said young man take a walk up the street  
  
There's a place there called the Xavier's  
  
He can start you back on your way.  
  
It's fun to train yourself at Xavier's  
  
It's fun to study stuff at Xavier's  
  
You can kill fake Barnies, in our cool Danger Room,  
  
but then clean'em all up with a broom.  
  
At Xavier's.  
  
It's fun to train yourself at Xavier's  
  
Mutant-Mutant, there's no need to feel down  
  
Mutant-Mutant, pick yourself off the ground  
  
At Xavier's  
  
Just go n' stay at Xavier's  
  
Mutant-Mutant, I was once in your shoes,  
  
Mutant-Mutant, I was out with the blues  
  
At Xavier's  
  
At Xavier's  
  
At Xavier's  
  
At Xavier's"  
  
As the music faded over, most of the viewers were showing reactions of shock and amusement. Rogue was happy that she got at least mentioned in the song, although she didn't quite like the occasion on which she was mentioned. The eel incident had not been her fault after all... it was her first time cooking and Remy had been supposed to tutor her. She had told him that she wanted to cook authentic Cajun seafood her first time in the kitchen's lead and well...all that Louisiana had for water was swamps and such stuff, so she ended up with an eel. The taste turned out hideous, but everyone had eaten it because they didn't want to make her sad and/or upset. But when she noticed that heavy rain was pouring outside despite Storm's pretentious smile while munching down the offending 'seafood', she knew something was wrong. And when she saw tears stinging Bobby's eyes while gulping down the last bite, she realised that everything was a deja-vu of the 'Friends' episode where Rachel had cooked something terribly tasting and everyone pretended to like it in order to not hurt her. The thought of her friends doing such a great sacrifice for herself not getting hurt had taken her up to the stars for a while, so she forgot to tell them they didn't had to eat it after all.   
  
She could also remember the chlorine incident, which was also mentioned during the song. Drake, during one of his less insightful pranks, had replaced Hank's body lotion with Ororo's chlorine. For the next few months, Beast's fur had a washed-out pastel blue colour. Soon later there was a battle with the Juggernaught won easily due to the fact that Cain was rolling on the ground laughing at Beast instead of fighting. Iceman wasn't present at that battle because Beast had shoved the (thin, thankfully) chlorine bottle somewhere in his body where the sun wouldn't shine.  
  
Rogue just shivered thinking about those unpleasant (but priceless) moments in life as she walked out of the TV room. "Let's hope Scott doesn't air this as a commercial... or else someone in here might make him pay painfully"  
  
***************************************************************   
  
Logan smiled through Cyclops' teeth as he was now sure that he had taken his revenge on Scott... of course, four innocent mutants had also taken the same toll, but that didn't matter to him now... all that mattered was the little fact that he proved himself that his new form wasn't that useless at all. He had used the attribute of being the team's leader to his advantage. And he had lotsa fun doing it.   
  
As his mumbling team mates slowly emptied the TV room, Logan knew that the word would be spread, making the humiliation of his video clip's stars greater. He thought about actually landing his video at national TV as a commercial, but a better idea stroked his mind like a thunder on a lone tree.   
  
Byt right then Jean lashed up on him and started talking panicky. "Scott, tell me this is just a prank and you're not really getting this on the telly, huh?"  
  
"I'm Scott Summers, Jeannie, I never do pranks." That was a good point, actually.  
  
"But, Scoooott! They will have you killed!"  
  
"Who will?" he said, cocking his head angrily and giving mean looks to anyone who looked dangerous.  
  
"Well, anyone! Apart from the guys 'starring' in your video, who would want you dead for apparent reasons, the Professor would have your hide for exposing our whereabouts like that! Never mind the real danger that would land on the mansion itself after being exposed!"  
  
"But, Jean, this is the perfect way to approach mutant kids for the Institute! Instead of having someone flying around the country and getting each kids here separately, the kids can come here at will, at the same time too!"  
  
"Scott, just don't do this...promise me you won't make this video a commercial and I will allow you to sleep in our bedroom tonight." she said sweetly and winked at him seductively. With normal Scott being her bitch like he was, that trick always worked. But the brand new Logan-Cyclops didn't budge.  
  
"I thought you have forgiven me earlier today. Doesn't that mean I can sleep with you as well?"  
  
"Weeeeeell...it's a wholly different thing..." she said, glancing around to avoid eye contact.  
  
"Oh, whatever. I promise you I won't launch this video as a commercial. Happy now?"  
  
"Yes!" she said, hopping a bit and kissing him on the forehead. Then she barged out of the room like the Phoenix force was burning her butt.   
  
Logan grinned evilly as she left. Even before Jean's approach, he had almost decided NOT to use the video as a commercial. A much better idea had formed into his mind before his chat with his 'wife'.   
  
"I only promised not to launch it as a commercial...But I never promised to not launch it at all. And since this is a musical video clip...then I should promote it as one." he said to himself, reaching for the telephone.  
  
As he dialled the number, he could feel a little devil snickering right above his left shoulder. 


	5. A Shocking Revelation!

The night had finally come.  
  
Tonight was the big night for Logan.  
  
He was going to sleep in the same bed as Jean, and with a bit luck he would claim his rights as her husband.  
  
As he carried himself through the corridors of the mansion, he reached the door of the bedroom he shared with Jean.  
  
Although his feral abilities couldn't possibly inhabit Cyclops' body, he could swear he could almost smell her presence inside.  
  
He slyly opened the door, walking inside on the tip of his toes. He could see Jean's body lingering in the dark, lying on the bed they were going to share. He knew she wasn't asleep.  
  
He slowly and sexily walked to the other side of the bed. Stripping himself down to his boxers (HIS boxers that he had to steal from his old bedroom, since he couldn't stand Scottie's wimpy briefs), he tucked himself under the covers and extended his hands towards Jean's body, who was facing the other way.  
  
As he massaged her backside and reached lower by each minute, he started purring and growling as he grabbed lightly her butt.  
  
He came closer and stuck his whole body onto hers. He had his moves planned so well that he didn't expect the reaction that came.  
  
"Not tonight, honey. I got a headache." her voice was sweet and reasonable as usual, but she now had the tone of a bored wife. Sort of like Al Bundy's wife.  
  
"But Jeannie..."  
  
"I'm a telepath, Scott. You know what a headache can do to telepaths, right? It's twice as bad." her voice was now more reasonable and less sweet.  
  
"Uhm…okay" he urged himself not to sound disappointed. That Scott must have been a real lousy lover if his wife was already bored.  
  
"Thank you. Goodnight honey." she said, not even bothering to turn her head and look at him at the eyes while saying goodnight to him. Of course, a goodnight kiss was out of the question.  
  
As Logan went back to his side of the bed, he compensated with the thought that at least he got to grab her ass. And savouring this thought, he drifted to sleep.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Two weeks later.  
  
London.  
  
Professor Charles Xavier was lounging in his room, watching MTV.  
  
He was very pissed the last few days, and he didn't feel like going out and sightseeing in London. Whatever he had to do there was already finished. But he wasn't in the mood to go back to Westchester either.  
  
He had left his mansion to fly to England and watch up close the Wimplendon Championship. You know, tennis.  
  
He had that major crush on Anna Kournikova, probably the hottest presence in the fields, so he always got to watch her at the major tournaments. But as gorgeous a chick she was, she was equally lousy at tennis.  
  
She had been thrown out from the second game already, despite the fact that Xavier had bought a ticket for all matches. She had lost despite Xavier's efforts to mentally alienate her opponents. She was THAT bad.  
  
So now he was stuck with a bunch of tickets to games he never wanted to watch. Andy Roddick was going well at the males section but his hot singer girlfriend Mandy Something wasn't between the crowd as usual. Poop.  
  
So here he was now, having nothing to kill his time but the stupid telly.   
  
It seemed to be one of the big ironic coincidences of life, because if it wasn't for that specific situation, the Professor would never have the TV tuned on MTV.   
  
And he would have never been able to watch what he watched at that specific moment.  
  
"And now, the very fresh song that hit number 1 on top tens all over the world from the very first week it was launched." the VJ presented. "A song dedicated to all mutants and mutant friends around the world, the song that made the first step for creating a bridge connecting mutants and simple humans....Laaadiiiies and gentlemen, The X-Men themselves singing: "AT XAVIER'S!!!"  
  
Nobody was present in Xavier's room at the time to actually record his reactions to what followed, but it is reported that for the next 30 minutes everyone in the hotel had severe cases of headache.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
The same night.  
  
Scott unstuck his left ear from the door of the bedroom he once shared with Jean and started snickering to himself.  
  
Apparently, once more in the last two weeks, Logan had got nothing out of sleeping in the same bed as Jean. As soon as her 'headaches' had subsided, her 'days of the month' had begun.  
  
The headaches were real. But poor Logan could never guess what was wrong *now*, not without his Wolverinesque ability to 'smell' things before they happen.  
  
As soon as Scott got far from Jean's and whoever-her-husband-was-at-the-time's bedroom, he heard a small *puff* which resembled Kurt's *bamf* behind him.  
  
His extraordinary sniffing ability which was granted by his new body alarmed him that the specific *puff* signalled the arrival of a witch.  
  
The witch who had brought him into this position.  
  
"Hey, what are *YOU* doing here, of all people!" he said, as soon as he cocked his head -his entire body following- towards the witch.  
  
"I see you have gotten used to your new physical avatar. Too bad for you." she calmly said, ignoring his previous question.  
  
"What do you mean? You're here for a reason, right? You're not just...'paying a visit'?"  
  
"No...I was actually just passing by and thought of borrowing a cup of sugar!"  
  
"Huh?" the reply had him dumbfounded.  
  
"Ha! No matter the exterior, you're still a dork inside. Oh well. This is about to change."  
  
  
  
"You're getting us back to our normal bodies? I thought..."  
  
"Oh, I lied. The curse's effects and immunities were too good to make it an irreversible one. I lied. I could take it back anytime, but I didn't want two insane mutants going after my hide to make me reverse the curse!"  
  
"Of course. What changed your mind, then? Did we 'prove ourselves' or something and you wanted to reward us?"  
  
"No, on the contrary...the situation got too far out of control. You were supposed to be stuck into each other's body and personality for the rest of your lives. But my magic is not supposed to affect the course of the entire world, like in your case! The council of magicians has forbidden any major changes in worldwide matters. So I now have to take it back before it gets totally out of control."  
  
"What did we do that affected the whole world?"  
  
"Aw come on. I have seen your cute little video clip."  
  
It was the first time that anyone saw Wolverine blush (even in this case, where Scott had taken over his body).  
  
"That video clip you created during your vendetta against each other had somehow affected worldwide stability. To be more specific, it had made mutants 'hip' and 'cool' and now being mutant-friendly is the new trend. Like PokeMon had once been. That wasn't supposed to happen, and although it might be already too late and premature world peace is already on its way, I still have to put you guys back into your bodies. "  
  
"YES! FINALLY!" a relieved voice came behind them. Logan had probably left the bedroom and was eavesdropping the whole time. Even Scott hadn't sniffed him as he should have. His abilities were a bit untrained, heck; he hadn't even extracted his claws the last weeks for fear of suffering the pain!  
  
"Oh, hello...whoever you are again. Now excuse me the two of you, but I have to leave. Even old bitching witches have a date sometimes."  
  
"What... wait! Won't you change us back to normal?"  
  
"Oh, don't worry dear. It's the nature of the curse itself. I have raised it, but it will take until tomorrow morning for the two of you to find yourself in your usual bodies. Ta-ta!"  
  
*puff!*  
  
The first emotion they shared after the witch's departure was disgust on the smell of the smoke her puffing left behind. It was a kind of strawberry flavour. honestly, they preferred Kurt's brimstone than this girly odour.  
  
Logan, realising that he wouldn't be in this body for long, bolted back to the bedroom Jean slept in. It was his desperate attempt to get some sex out of the whole deal.  
  
"Jean? Jean! Wake up, please Jeannie!" he poked her unnervingly until her eyes fluttered open. Yeah, it was too risky and if she got pissed off she would fry his ass with the Phoenix Force, but it was all he had to hold onto right then.  
  
"L-Logan? What is it? What do you want? I ca-I can't do this anymore..." she said, half asleep.  
  
Logan pinched himself on the arm to realise if he had heard his own name instead of Scott's. Having a look at himself he saw that he was still in Scott's body. Then why...  
  
Jean sat up on the bed and saw, clearly this time, who was before her. She instantly realised her mistake.  
  
"Jeannie...what...why did you call me...Logan? Why would you think I was Wolverine?"  
  
Jean was too shocked to realise she wasn't totally busted yet, so she cracked up.  
  
"Ohhhh, Scott, I'm so sorryyyyyyy......!"She started crying.  
  
Logan was lost for words.  
  
"I am such a total slut, I know, I should have never done this to you, but-"  
  
"Jean, do you-do you mean that..."  
  
"I slept with Logan. I-I have been sleeping with him for a week now."  
  
Logan's new world shattered into pieces upon hearing these heart stabbing words.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" his screams were heard in the entire building. "WHY NOW??? OF ALL TIMES, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS *NOW*?"  
  
Jean was surprised at his reaction. She hadn't thought that Scott would actually scream, but the words he chose to scream at her were also confusing. It was the timing that interested him? Oh, well, she had to keep up her little unfaithful-wife speech however...  
  
"Scott I know how this hurts, but it's all my fault...I'm human too, you know...I make mistakes. BIG ones."  
  
Logan somehow knew she didn't mean the mistakes, but something in his old Wolverine body that was big.  
  
"Look, Scott, I will make up to you... Just tell me one word, and tomorrow morning I'll break up with him. I will never see him again and you will remain the only man in my life..."  
  
The idea felt tempting...Jean would be worshipping him if he forgave her...but, wait. From tomorrow morning, HE would be Wolverine again. He would take the entire toll and Scott would get Jean as his bitch for his entire life!  
  
"Nooo!" he yelled at her. "You freaking whore! I hate you! I don't wanna see you again in my entire life! Go! Beat it! Go to your Wolverine! Go screw with him and have lots of growling babies! Get out of my sight!" Now, that should convince her.  
  
Jean's eyes had somehow turned into the Niagara waterfalls by now.  
  
"OK... If you say so, Scott...I will go...But remember this; I will always love you. Only you."  
  
"NOOO! You go and love Logan now. Love him good. Worship him too. I don't want you to feel anything for me. Now beat it. Go to Logan" he suppressed his incoming grins while saying that.  
  
"I guess I shall be leaving then..." Jean walked up to the door, her gaze locked to the floor.  
  
"No! Wait! Don't go tonight! Just sleep here tonight and tomorrow you can get your slutty ass to your Logan. There's no need to upset another person tonight." Logan didn't want her to go to Scottie-boy and tell him the whole story while he would still be in the wrong body. Such a thing could get the situation out of his control again.  
  
"I guess you're right..."  
  
"I'll be at the couch downstairs in case you need me..." shit, that sounded too compassionate, he had to fix it.»...bitch" he added, making it just alright.  
  
Logan exited the bedroom and resisted his urge to sing like Frank Sinatra. By tomorrow morning, Jean would belong to him and him only!  
  
Okay, he didn't sing, but eventually he started whistling cheerfully.  
  
For now he would have to drive into town. He had an evil idea about leaving some 'souvenirs' at Cyclops' body for Scott to inherit. 


	6. Phoenix Sucks

The next morning, Logan woke up to find himself in another room. His old, Wolverine room, to be more precise. He was astounded to find his claws scnickting in and out of his knuckles, and would have started to make a happy dance, if it wasn't for Jean coming into his room all of a sudden.  
  
As she hugged him, cried in his arms and told him how she broke up with Scott, he tried his best to seem sympathetic.  
  
As she kissed him, however, his lips turned into a smile around hers.  
  
As she took off her blouse, his mind was already in seventh heaven.  
  
As he got rid of his own clothing however, he found himself wearing some briefs he hadn't been wearing for ages. But the really weird thing was Jean staring at his pecs.  
  
He thought of acting proud of his muscles for a little but then he realised that Jean wasn't salivating after his pecs, but looking inquiring at them.  
  
Looking down, he saw a big inscription tattooed on his chest. On one pec it was written in big red letters "PHOENIX" and on the other one, again in big red fonts "SUCKS".   
  
He saw the anger in her eyes and turned his back at her, reaching at his clothes and trying to find a suitable excuse for the offending tattoo, which was obviously Scott's doing, as his last minute backstabbing.  
  
However, this way he got Jean to see another tattoo on his back. "Jean Grey is my bitch" was inscribed in intricate letters on his upper back.  
  
Then they both got conscious of the tattoos on Logan's thighs. The left thigh had a tattoo image of Jean...uhm, helping herself to some oral sex. On the right thigh there was another inscription, saying: "I 'did' Jean and all I got was this lousy tattoo".  
  
Logan felt dizzy and it probably wasn't for the fact that Jean's eyes were shining red from Phoenix taking over and her powers now held him upside down.  
  
In suspiciously perfect timing, Scott found that specific hour to burst in the room, reddened in anger.  
  
"Logan, you filthy piece of-" he froze at the sight of a semi-naked Logan being held upside down from his wife's telekinesis.  
  
  
  
Scott was bare-chested and the multiplied piercing on both his nipples and ears were highly noticeable. Truth is, he was currently pierced in another places, less visible at the time.  
  
Those, plus the chain connecting the left ear piercing with the big bull-like piercing in the nose, were Logan's "souvenirs" for him.  
  
Right then, Jean had a look at both of them, and in her confusion she accidentally brainstormed Scott. The telepathic shields on both their minds were lifted along with the witches curse, so all the shocking information of what really happened the last weeks hit Jean all at once.  
  
"You... have been... You?" she said in confusion, switching her gaze from Scott to Logan and reverse again.  
  
In her shock, she left Logan fall to the floor. He quickly stood up to watch the outcome.  
  
"And you both left me thinking that..." If a pan full of water had been placed on Jean's head, it would have been boiling by now. Her face had nothing human on it by now, only the absolute expression of her righteous fury.  
  
Logan shot a glance at Scott and they both bolted outside, screaming like little girls.  
  
Jean, surrounded by reddish flames in a Phoenix shape, chased after them with a bloodlust clearly pictured in her eyes.  
  
Scott and Logan changed their direction as they almost bumped onto Xavier at the main door. The Professor, totally out of his mind, had just returned from his trip and was shouting undecipherable words in his frustration of the revelation of the mansion's purpose.  
  
They both jumped out of the kitchen's window, speeding toward the exit with a speed that would make Northstar weep, never to be seen again.  
  
EPILOGUE  
  
The CD-Single of the X-Men named "At Xavier's" sold millions of copies worldwide, thus making Kurt Wagner, Bobby Drake, Warren Worthington III and Remy LeBeau insanely rich. Well, apart from Warren, who was already insanely rich. The lead singer dressed in lumberjack clothes was never found to receive what he earned.   
  
The four of them formed a boy band that broke up within two months, and they all followed solo carriers as singers apart from Bobby who became a successful comedian.  
  
Within the next two years, the whole "mutant-trend" thing created by the success of the song subsided, but mutants were now generally respected and well-liked. Except for the human singers who lost their jobs to them of course.   
  
  
  
With the world living finally in peace and his dream come true, Xavier could now kick back a little. His mansion became a special school for mutant kids, but was only for rich mutant kids, since it wasn't for free anymore.  
  
Xavier used the fame and the status-quo he got from the number one hit bearing his name to finally hook up with Anna Kournikova. They are currently married and have two bald kids who suck at tennis.  
  
Jean Grey got over the little body mix-up of Logan and Scott by marrying the successful comedian called Bobby Drake and spending a few years in her toy-boy's riches. Then, she abruptly divorced with him and went off to a secluded monastery. She eventually became the next Mother Theresa, feeding third world children at day and chasing super villains at night.  
  
Rogue finally learned how to cook. She still avoids seafood, however.  
  
The witch who caused all this, her name still unknown, was apparently killed 3 years later by a mystical sect called "The Charmed ones".  
  
  
  
Logan and Scott, their second names unknown anymore, currently co-own a small cafe at Timbuktu, where they have found shelter from Scott's ex-wife. They never left the city of fear of being discovered by her. The common danger they were facing (Jean in a bloodlust) eventually made them the best buds. Logan was even Scott's best man in his marriage with a spectacular local girl, who had fallen in love with his 'cool piercing'. However, the locals still wonder whether or not Logan fancies Scott's bride. I guess history repeats itself, after all.   
  
~THE END~  
  
So, the insanity has finally ended! Feedback, please, either if you want the insanity to stop or to grow bigger! 


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